Via social media, people have been telling me to "get over it" after a skewed election of Donald Trump and Mike Pence. You mig...

Not My President



Via social media, people have been telling me to "get over it" after a skewed election of Donald Trump and Mike Pence. You might be okay with a Giant Orange Turd and a Gay Basher from the 1950s being elected, but I'm not. And here's why.

You might be okay with a guy who has singled out every Mexican as murderers and Rapists, or every Muslim as a terrorist and has decided to rid them from our nation. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who has spent untold tax dollars trying to cut all rights to the LGBTQ community and believing you can pretty much "pray the gay away" (adapt or die). But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who publicly mocked a reporter with a disability just because he disagreed with Trump's assessment of a story he had written. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who holds women in such poor regards that he publicly discusses how he can have his way with them in a manner most of us would deem sexual assault. Then others he can publicly call "pigs", "dogs," "slobs" and "disgusting animals" when they call him out. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who believes the Earth is 6000 years old, denies evolution and wants nothing more than the combination of church and state. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who inherited his wealth from a father who inherited his money from his Nazi loving father. Yet today most of his money comes by way of his celebrity, not his business "smarts". Has filed bankruptcy multiple times and has left a trail of failed endeavors. Leaving several workers unpaid. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who has more than a dozen women claiming sexual assault, even a 13 year old girl who was going to take him to court over rape charges until she backed out due to death threats. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who a guy who looks at nuclear weapons as a source of turmoil resolution. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who has Russia on speed dial. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who said “Laziness is a trait in the blacks… Black guys counting my money! I hate it.”. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who said “He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured, OK, I hate to tell you.”. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who is looking to coal as a solution while saying “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a guy who marries attractive women, only interested in his wealth, as he cheats on them... leaves them and marries another. Washes hands... repeats. But I'm not.

You might be okay with a giant orange turd and a homophobic ass muncher running our country. But I'm not.

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If you've been in the Western States, there's a good chance you've heard of Dutch Bros' Coffee. They are blue and white ...

There's A Coffee Place Called Dutch Bros That Might Be The Worst Place On The Planet


If you've been in the Western States, there's a good chance you've heard of Dutch Bros' Coffee. They are blue and white drive thru locations scattered around parking lots and empty fields next to Del Tacos near you.

They sell coffee in many little fluffy flavors crafted by a 20-somethings who have been give a fairly direct job description.

DRY HUMP YOUR CUSTOMERS, GIVE THEM COFFEE

To be blunt, it's pretty gross. Not the coffee, but the process of getting the coffee. Backtracking, I love coffee. I drink it most of the day. Wait, I FUCKING LOVE COFFEE. It's the best, Jerry... the best. I also love treating myself to super gooey $5 coffees from various locations. I give in often to corporate assbaggery by heading to Starbucks on the weekend. Often with our Newfoundland Tonka in tow who gets ooh'd and awe'd by the moderately professional employees who look just as uncomfortable small-talking me as I am returning it.

When I drive to work, I don't pass a Starbucks, I pass a Dutch Bros. The Starbucks adds another mile to my commute. But when I need a caffeinated beverage for the road, I take that trek. Because I just can't stomach the weirdness of getting a Dutch Bros coffee.

I'll cut to the awkward chase. It's starts simple, you pick one of the drive-thrus and approach. You're alerted by the latest Justin Bieber song blasting from their little building. You assume the barista knows the driver of the car in front of them by the amount of interaction going on. In most part, the barista is hanging out the building almost falling through the driver's window. She laughs, loud enough to almost block out the bieb... almost.

You finally get up to the window and a young girl, wearing very little, pours out of the window.

"HI!"

"Hi."

"Are you having a great morning?"

You aren't sure exactly what she said due to the loud music combined with the gaggle of other baristas dancing and screaming giggles at each other.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I asked if you're having a great morning"

Replaying the 2 hours of it in my head. "Yeah."

"That's great! So great! What can I get you?"

It's an awkward interaction. To the point where you think Chris Hanson is going to pop up and start asking you questions.

She verbally throws your order to another over-animated employee then turns to you.

"So what are you doing today?"

"Just going to work."

"Oh great! What do you do?"

"I work in advertising"

"Oh that's so much fun. What do you advertise?"

"Oh, well. Quite a few things. One of our clients is..."

She interrupted by a fellow employee who wanted to let her know 'their' song is on, and they all start dancing.

She returns "So doing anything fun today?"

"No. Nothing at all"

"That sounds like fun!"

She resumes dancing and says something about liking my car. I now pretend I have to check my phone. I start to text my girlfriend, reminding her I love her because I feel like there's a weird line being crossed. Like, I'll strip for Mocha.

I feel dirty. Please just give me my coffee.

"Here's your drink!"

I quickly grab it, placing my car in drive as I do. But then there's that weird smell. The smell of... flesh. Flesh burning off the palm of my hand.

"Mother of God! It's scorching hot! Do you have a sleeve?"

"Nope."

"Ummm, okay. But it's super hot."

"We can double cup it."

Double cup? Add to the demise of the environment more than I already am? Help kill a baby dolphin?

Ugh, I can't do that? Can I? Should I just be more of a man? Deal with the pain like my Father would have?

"Sure, double cup it."

I place my coffee in my cup holder and I drive away. I feel dirty, used, a few other emotions I'm not used to. I not only feel bad, but I feel bad for the people who work there. It's clear that it's part of their job description. MAKE THE MIDDLE AGED GUY FEEL PRETTY. They don't like it anymore than I do. They can't hand me a coffee and think "I hope he saw how interested I was in him. I'm never like that with other customers. Maybe we'll get married someday!"

See, the whole process is just gross. It's a company who asks their employees to dry hump their customers to increase sales. Why? Who does this? After a little research I found a bit of the reason in this thinking. I learned their CEO, Travis Boersma, is a 40something year old guy who wears his baseball cap backwards.

The type of guy who goes into a Hooters and thinks every waitress was hitting on him.

So now, 3 years after going to my first Dutch Bros, I occasionally run across their card with 8 stamps on it hiding in my center console. I don't throw it away "just in case" but deep down I don't see me getting my free coffee from them anytime soon.

I'd rather have my awkward smalltalk from Starbucks.


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I've started filming my next film, and it's all filmy. So there's that. #mythhumpers

Filming has begun


I've started filming my next film, and it's all filmy.

So there's that.

#mythhumpers

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Pretty much one year today we started filming Ghostumentary, and now... it's online. It was a debate what to do with it. We sent it ...

Watch Ghostumentary Online Via Amazon


Pretty much one year today we started filming Ghostumentary, and now... it's online. It was a debate what to do with it. We sent it out to a couple of the bigger Film Festivals, each one giving us the nicest letter saying "We love it, we don't know what to do with it."

Then we talked to a few distribution companies but each really wanted to limit an audience and roll the dice in specific markets. 

We came to the conclusion that we really wanted as many eyes as possible on it. So, let's just put it online. 

So, here it is. 

First, it's on Amazon. So if you're looking to rent something... here you go. 




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First off, you're going to hate reading this post as much as I hate writing it. It's because my favorite character in the Star Wa...

Is Boba Fett the Absolute WORST Character in Star Wars?


First off, you're going to hate reading this post as much as I hate writing it. It's because my favorite character in the Star Wars universe had ALWAYS been Boba Fett. It was my favorite toy growing up. I used to write personal fan-fiction stories about him as well and hide them under my bed so my brothers wouldn't find them a ridicule me.

I've always kept a close eye on him through life. I sat a little taller when he came on the screen. He was my guy. So this is why it was so painful to notice a few things over the years that made me realize that he may be the worse character in the Star Wars story itself.

Here's why.

Let's talk about when we first see Boba Fett (before Lucas screwed up on the second round of edits). He's on board Darth Vader's ship among other Bounty Hunters. Oh wait... no... not true. He actually was first seen animated in the dreaded Star Wars Holiday Special.


He rides a dinosaur, but basically verbally and physically abuses them. Not cool man, not cool. When he's discovered to be bad, he runs away from a group of unarmed rebels. 

So NOW we're back on the Empire. He has one job, get Han Solo by the orders of Darth Vader. But wait, he already had this job for Jabba the Hutt. So now we have a guy who's double dipping bounty rewards. What a dick. Right? 

Mark... set... go... he's off to find them. How does he do this? He hangs out in the garbage. Seems creepy but, alright. Han and the gang take off, he follows quietly all the way to Bespin. Boba is known as one of the galaxy's deadliest bounty hunters, and he proves is by calling for back up when he gets to Cloud City. Instead of getting Han alone, he alerts the Empire to do it for him. Essentially only qualifying for a finders fee. But who am I to butt in. 

Side note, how did the Empire beat Han to Bespin? Did anyone do the math there? This leads me to my next theory where Lobot is Snoke... don't get me started. 

So, Darth Vader captures everyone, Boba watches and in return gets to take off with Han for a very undeserved reward. Boba is like that one guy at your job that watches everyone work, then takes all the credit. 

We enter the next episode and we're in Jabba's lair. Essentially it's hanging out in a friend's basement because he has all the pot. Boba thrives. He walks around in his Mandalorian armor talking to alien chicks about his days of glory. Mandalorian armor that if you look at, really doesn't fit him very well. It's like the first time you wear your dad's jacket and your hands don't poke through the sleeves. What does he weigh? A buck twenty five?

Leia sneaks in and is in disguise, threatens everyone and Boba gives a nod. Essentially saying "I appreciate you not talking off your helmet, so I don't have to either."

Can you imaging the musk in there? It's like hot-sick dug up from a musty-stump at Endor. 

Now we're in the desert, still latched on to Jabba in a desperate attempt to be accepted, rides bitch on the barge. All hell breaks loose and bam...

Fett gets rammed from behind and finds his jet pack has activated. So here's where I really find him to be a little bitch. Have you never flown with it before? I mean, your dad fought off Obi-Wan Kenobi with it, you act as if you just found a spider in your sock drawer. You scream like a 3 year old girl and land in the sarlacc pit. To die a thousand deaths or something bitchy. 


At least your Dad battling Jedi, you fell prey to a pothole in the sand. 

So, with a heavy-heart I spew out the thought that Boba Fett was truly the worst character in the Star Wars Universe. 

Let your anger flow through your comments. 

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The final score is being put in place, but why wait to see a chunk. Right? Here's 9 minutes from our investigation in Gooding, Idaho...

9 Whole Minutes of our Movie



The final score is being put in place, but why wait to see a chunk. Right? Here's 9 minutes from our investigation in Gooding, Idaho.

Check it out and stuff.

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So 2015 was a very good year. I fell even more in love, I grew closer to my kids, made a film ( Ghostumentary ),  and I went to my first ...

So I Went To Burning Man


So 2015 was a very good year. I fell even more in love, I grew closer to my kids, made a film (Ghostumentary),  and I went to my first Burning Man.  
Though it was my first, it was Emilee's 5th. So I had a little insight. Also, many of our friends have been going for years, so gobs of info was thrown my way. 

We were joining a successful camp who took me in like a lost, but loved cat. 

The drive was what I expected, a lot of time in a car slowly driving by Navajo Taco stands. 

A lot of dust, few radio stations. 

Giddy level:10

We get to camp and set up. Tent missing parts, shelter as well. I turned up my Macgyver a went to town. Success.


Bikes, so many bikes. We spent the next few days on our bikes riding around and taking in all the art. All the people. 


And all the boobs. 




 


There was an excessive amount of nudity. That perhaps makes me sounds like a prude. By no means am I. I mean, Holy Cats! I LOVE nudity. I love boobs. I think most people do. And beyond the sea of 55 year old penises I had seen (seriously, I saw a gaggle of naked men on bikes) I had seen so many boobs that I couldn't see anymore. 

Imagine eating your favorite cookie from a giant tub. How many cookies do you eat until you can't eat anymore cookies. 

Cookies = Boobs. 



Prior to leaving one of my coworkers said "you're going to be high the whole time". I asked him why he believed this. He said it was because that's what people did there. One of the giant misnomers people have about the event. Beyond our morning mimosas, it was one of the most soberishly fun times of my life. It seemed to be that way for most people I surrounded myself with. 




Our camp hosted a full-size Hungry, Hungry Hippo event. Popular enough that a Business Insider covered it. Afterwards, a good friend slipped something in my hand. It was a mint. But not just any mint. 

I was just given acid. 

I placed it in my pocket and journeyed out into the deep playa with Emilee to take pictures of her in her wing. 


The wings were amazing. She had them specially made for Burning Man. You couldn't walk by someone with out a compliment. People taking pictures of her. She looked so beautiful. As usual, no one even knew I was there. 


I took a crazy amount of photos. Each one was amazing. I posted a few on Instagram only to see them immediately stolen. It's the internet, it happens. But one girl actually claimed the photos where her. 

A few of them went viral and were picked up by the Daily Mail, Huffington Post, Mashable, etc. Her ass almost broke the internet.

Walking back from the shoot, I switched lenses in my pocket a few times and must have pulled out the acid that was lingering there. Lost somewhere in our path. 

I literally "dropped acid at Burning Man".


The basics of my adventure was this. There are so many good people out there. Far more than you have remembered. I hugged people, I gave things away, I was given even more. I watched people smile, laugh and love. I didn't see people fight. I didn't see people indulge. I didn't see people sad or lonely. 

I saw people at their best. I was at my best as well. 

I'm going back again someday. Once probably wasn't enough for me. But before you judge the event and the people who go, I truly believe you should go yourself. 

You'll see the bright side of humanity again, and have a little more hope. 


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  Interesting thing about 2016. I started the new year with an adult-type car, I purchased stocks, I decided after a decade it was time to...

It's 2016 And I'm Still Writing That I'm A Man Child On All My Checks

 
Interesting thing about 2016. I started the new year with an adult-type car, I purchased stocks, I decided after a decade it was time to have a credit card again, and I threw away over half my homelessish wardrobe. I'm not a complete adult yet, but I taken a giant step towards one. Are adults still allowed to tell poop jokes?

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