A few months back Jimmy Johns was holding a "customer appreciation" day across town. I gave in and headed to my closest location ...

Where Bad Haircuts Are Born

A few months back Jimmy Johns was holding a "customer appreciation" day across town. I gave in and headed to my closest location to grab a dollar sandwich. While waiting in line, I saw this. 


Upon closer inspection, I almost considered this to be a well played joke. Look at some of these cuts.


Were the sunglasses truly needed here?


I started to look at each one individually. I wasn't really sure what I was looking at. I nothing something about each hair cut, each model.

Let's look at a few of these one by one

We start with number 1. Apparently people don't always know how to explain to the barber "Can you please make me look like my ultra conservative grandfather?" So they had to give it a number. Not any number... it's number 1.


Number 2 is pretty much an ungrayed version of number 1. So maybe, just make me look like my homophobia, Mexican hating father.


Number 3 I was starting to notice a pattern. Not so much in the haircuts, but the expressions of the professional hair models. Are they not hair models so much as people being shamed? Have we witnessed a new realm in public humiliation? Are we witnessing hair cut shame?


No better way to highlight a receding hairline by giving you half a flat top. Again, this poor man looks shamed.


More shaming. This man looks close to tears.


Looking at this man, I'm beginning to think they stole these images off the registered sex offender's website. This man, is windowless, white van shamed.


Now number 10 I found educational. Who knew you could have your mullet professionally groomed with clippers. Mullet shamed.


Number 17 was smart enough to wear sunglasses. Still shamed, but hiding his tears... his now empty soul.


I know this face, it's after a gym shower shamming. This guy is writing a list and wondering where his parents keep their gun.


Number 24... what can we stay about him? This shaming is FABULOUS!


Number 25 is actually not a shaming. This boy seems satisfied with new haircut. He can't wait to see how it looks as he's kicking the shit out of the brown kids across down. His Pa will be proud.


29 and 30. This is why you don't talk back to your parents. This is shaming that will scar you for life. 30, cheer up buddy. Hair grows back... and your parents eventually die.


We end with 32. Probably the saddest of all the shaming. Not often can a photograph capture the emotion of the subject. But if there ever was a picture that captured rock bottom... I just found it.

So I end wondering, how old is this? Who actually has EVER walked in a said "give me a 23". Where is this photographer today? How many of these models are responsible for public shootings? 

If you know anything about this chart, or even better one of the models... please reach out and you'll be my hero for life. 


Link to the chart I found online

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Google does one thing great. Searching. When it comes to that, it nails it. Even with its geeky algorithms and page ranking punishments ...

Google+ is starting to become the new AOL of the interwebz

Google does one thing great.

Searching.

When it comes to that, it nails it. Even with its geeky algorithms and page ranking punishments that sometimes completely wipes a listing from the web with no explanation or communication, it's still a great search engine.

Even with its ads slowly blending into search results...

... or their inability to truly know porn from non-porn.

Wait.. I'm getting off track here. Anyhow, I use Google and I can kinda assume I always will. Even when they play little tricks like this-

I have two Google mail accounts. My first being my name billdoty@gmail.com. Obviously I was the first Bill Doty to get a gmail account and I quickly snagged the name. In fact, I was one of the first people I know to have a gmail account. I was pretty fucking big back then.

My other is off my domain, me@billdoty.com, which I run via the Google Exchange server. I forward my original emails there, slowly weening myself from my original gmail email. Both are accessed through Gmail, just two different logins.

When Google+ came along I quickly snagged one of those up too. Sure I fell for the Google Twitter clone and all the other knockoffs... but what if this time Google actually pulled it off. Actually competed with Facebook. So with high hopes, I did it, and I log into it now about every 6 months just to see changes, disgust... and done. It's also off my billdoty@gmail.com account which there is never a reason to log into.

My @billdoty.com email has no Google+ account. I don't need two unused social media accounts. That's just silly.

Now, when writing this I reminisce about the YouTube/Gmail account mess with made me actually close one of my YouTube accounts because I had no Gmail account to link it to. I was annoyed, didn't get it but figured Google was just being a dick about things. I've been married before and I understand what it's like to be told things that make no sense.

Now of course Google has decided you're not allowed to comment on YouTube videos until you're a Google+'er.... so my YouTube commenting days are over unless I feel the need to switch Google accounts back and forth.

Fine, enough is being said across the web, nothing more I can add.

But now there's THIS shit.

This morning Google said I had two notifications on my account.


Well, that seems weird. Sure, let's click and see. 


Sign into my Google+ account? Surely they are mistaken. There is no Google+ account associated with this email. Let's try to sign in.


Well, I'm logged in already... let's log in again


Google, you're a dirty little whore. You're now using sneaky techniques to get people to get a Google+ account. You're tricking people to THINK they have notifications... making them create an account, only to find out you're using the old AOL playbook of internet shit-biz-nezz.

So now, every day I'm going to see those nasty notifications.... knowing there's truly nothing there. And you're going to make me wonder day after day....

... is Bing really that bad?

UPDATE TIME!@!@!$!!!

So during the Redditing of this article yesterday I noticed a TON of direct traffic from Mountain View, CA. The home of Google. Today I noticed something different when visiting Google.


The notifications are now gone, in fact there isn't even a spot for them to NOT be there. The bell has disappeared. Also the link to my non-existent Google+ page is gone. 

So I just assumed this was a change across the web, but when I log into my work's Google account (Which doesn't have a Google+ page associated with it), all the things I was complaining about were still there. 

So am I to assume someone from Google personally fixed my account? Who knows. Everyone once in a while, someone listens. 

Reddit username - Doteman

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The Halloween costumes have been packed up, the leaves are falling and every store has switched into Christmas mood. Before you know it,...

The Hottest Elves on the Big Screen



The Halloween costumes have been packed up, the leaves are falling and every store has switched into Christmas mood. Before you know it, you'll be humming along to Christmas music, maxing out your credit card and dealing with hellacious traffic.

With Christmas last than 2 months away, it's time to start thinking about the season--you know the one of giving and all that jazz. While our loved ones and Mr. Clause seem to get all the attention, we seem to forget a key ingredient. I'm not talking about Mr. J.C., I'm talking about the elves. Elves are sadly overlooked, but those special creatures are the ones working all year to make sure that you and your loved ones are able to get drunk on egg nog and spill all the family secrets before the turn of the new year.

So as a token of thanks to these thankless wonders, let's highlight some of the hottest elves of our time--christmas and otherwise.

Keebler--
Ernest J. Keebler to be exact. That champ and his minions have been producing cookies inside of a tree for the betterment of the world since 1853, which let's be honest is like no time at all in elf time. But whatever, no list paying homage to elves is complete without the king elf himself, Mr. Ernest J. Keebler. Those Chips Deluxe get me every time.

Jovie of Elf--
While many may thing Will Ferrel is the true star of elf, it's actually Zooey Deschanel as the blond, emotionless, bitter elf that wins Buddy's heart. Sticking with her monotone schtick, Zooey shows us that elves have hearts too, they just need a little defrosting and shower singing.

Tauriel--
Cinema's newest elf, Evangeline Lilly, is taking on the role of Tauriel in the two forthcoming Hobbit movies. She may not have that Christmas flair and is best remembered as that annoying girl on Lost, but she certainly looks hot with her red hair and bow and arrow. Holler at her this December when The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug comes out.

Head Elf in A Christmast Story--
I'm just kidding that woman was frightening. She's what my Christmas nightmares are made of.

This girl--
This elf, she's been working hard for you all year. Actually, ok I tried to find you some solid, hilarious Christmas porn parody, which Adam and Eve had This isn't Christmas Vacation, but it doesn't have an elf. The road to online elf porn is a dark one that I recommend you travel along, so I leave you with the girl instead. Enjoy.

Arwen of LOTR--
Hobbits, Orcs, Wizards, and Elves, oh my. These marathon movies were chuck full of palish elves looking all ethereal and shit, but the one that really stood out was Liv Tyler, the half elf who eventually united the elves with man. While I'll forever remember her for her appearance in Aerosmith's Crazy video and as Corey in Empire Records, she did a pretty sexy and bang up job in LOTR. I'd give her my precious, nahmean?

What elf did I miss? Have a favorite? Is it of the claymation variety? I bet it is.

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The other night my Twitter and FB messages were a flutter, during that time I received a message from my cousin letting me know NBC Nightl...

NBC Nightly News Posted The Funniest Tweet Ever About



The other night my Twitter and FB messages were a flutter, during that time I received a message from my cousin letting me know NBC Nightly News used one of my tweets saying goodbye to Blockbuster. Though it was great to see, she TOTALLY killed my inflection. She needed more glee.

    

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Almost a year ago I moved into my new house. Beyond a few boxes and beds, I had very little furniture. That day I raced out to buy a couch, ...

How My New Coffee Table Represents Everything Bad I See In Marriage

Almost a year ago I moved into my new house. Beyond a few boxes and beds, I had very little furniture. That day I raced out to buy a couch, it was rushed purchase for me since I usually need days if not weeks to find a piece of furniture to sparks my interest. But the hardwood floors were a big deciding factor when it came to figuring out where I'd sit.

Since then I've slowly been filling my home. Kitchen table, shelving, new giant chair. Every month I get a little closer to being a real person. I'm not married, nor do I live with a significant other so not only was there no rush, there was no one helping or directing me in these decisions. I get to wait until I see that ONE thing... then get it.

So far the most difficult part has been finding the thing that brings it all together, the coffee table. I have looked everywhere for my knight in shining lacquered wood. The center to my man room. That perfect coffee table.

Last week I found a table on Craigslist that really stood out. But it was not only NOT a coffee table, it not even a regular table. It was a game table. Where in the world would I put this awesome piece? (note to readers: I don't have a game room).

But wait... if I cut the legs off this sucker I may have found the thing I've been looking for! It's perfect.

I checked with my daughter who gave a "I guess" and I called the sellers.

"We still have it"

"I'm on my way!" (please note between first contact and me going to get it was actually 3 days)

With cash in hand I drove across town giddy as a school girl. Reached their house, knocked on the door.

And here's where it begins. 

The door opened immediately after I knocked. And by open I mean less than a two inch gap where a women's face slightly appeared.

"He'll meet you at the garage."

Door closed.

I walked to the garage, waited a minute, the door opened. There I see it. The game table which actually seemed MORE perfect in person (how could this be? It's like bacon on bacon!)

A man appears. He looks slightly defeated. He shakes my hand and asks if I wanted to see it. Of course we all know how dumb that question is but strangers don't always know what to say to each other.

He immediately told me the story of how he found it. How it was at an estate sale and for him, just like me, it was love at first sight.

How each house move he quickly found a new place to display it. Each time told as if he was telling stories of his child's first step. I could see the sparkle in his eyes.

I didn't want to talk him out of selling it to me, but with that much love I had to ask "why are you selling it?"

He looked towards the door leading into his house and said "she's making me."

He said for the last few months it's been in the garage (step one to losing your things) but now she feels it's officially time to go. The smile was off his face. He tone stale.

Like a fool I told him my plans. You would have thought I was pulling the legs off his first born.

He physically stepped back. "You're cutting off the legs?"

Years of improv kicked in

"No, actually not now that I see it in person. It's actually just the size I need."

He steps back in. I look it over a bit more and say. "Would you take $60 for it?"

I just devalued his child by $20. Would he do it.

Turns out I was asking the question to the wrong person. He put down his head and said he'd check. He had to ask the person who didn't own it, didn't want it and didn't deserve the cash earned from it.

He came back a few minutes later after a fairly loud discussion was overheard by me through their garage firewall.

"She said okay."

I handed him the cash and we carried it to my car. I was happy... but there was something going through my mind.

This coffee table represents every horrible about marriage.  Here you have a man who finds something he loves. Maybe the one piece of furniture in his whole home he actually cared about. I can tell you he didn't pick out his dishes, bedding, towels, or maybe even a single item in his house. He would never tell his wife he didn't like the punch bowl and force her to sell it. Yet he is giving up something close to him, for her. And his instructions for doing so? "Take this item which I hate, and don't want you to have, and selling it for as much money as you can, or else."

You can't have this, so get rid of it and bring me a reward.

I actually got a little angry. More than I should have.

Until I got home cut off the legs, and placed it nicely in my living room.

I love it, I'm keeping it.... forever.






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