August 30, 2011

10 Things That Should Have Killed Us When We Were Kids

If the world considers you an adult, than you grew up in a time of less regulations and far more danger. We’re all fortunate to be alive growing up in an era full of so much harmful fun. Here are 10 things that should have killed us in our youth.

10. Lead Paint – Houses were meant to be treated rough and repaired with gallons of gaudy colors. A good house showed its worth by revealing dozens of layers of good old lead-based paint. It’s like cutting open a mighty oak to reveal it’s rings. Back then we treated our walls as if we were at Willy Wonka’s factory. The Snozberry tastes like Snozberries and the Lead put hair on our backs. We were surrounded by the stuff and it made us strong. But if you ask the EPA, we should all be dead by now.

9. No Helmets - We loved to go fast on our bikes, it was easier without those cumbersome helmets and pads. We built huge jumps, quickly raced down hills and ate more dirt than a 3 year old in the mud. We didn’t need no stinkin’ helmets, we were tough. It didn’t hurt also that we were too dumb to feel pain and we had much bigger hair.

8. Beatings - Love hurts, yet spankings hurt even more. Before it was considered ‘abuse’ we all learned our lessons the old fashion way. By being knocked around until we passed out comfortably on our bedroom floors. We figured out quickly that talking back wasn’t a viable option when wishing to sit down later that evening. These days you can’t lay a hand on a child without a neighbor peeking through your window and a social worker at your door. What sort of world do we live in when you can’t beat your own child in the privacy of your own home? Is this Russia?


7. Unleashed Dogs – Back in the day a dog was a dog. We reached down to pet it whether it was a pug or a pit bull. We didn’t know the difference. If you were bit, you were bit. The last thing you’d do is tell your parents and have to get one of those annoying rabies shots.

6. Asbestos – Our lungs were strong from pollution, second hand smoke and the layers upon layers of Asbestos that lined the buildings we populated. So it caused cancer, cancer makes us stronger! Plus how dangerous could it be when we were protected by all that lead paint. Many of our schools, churches and detention centers have been shut down or gutted to make way for the new and ‘weak’ generation of children who will one day have to look at their children and explain how they were lucky to be alive after battling cell phone radiation and carpal tunnel. Tell horror stories about what life was like before Video On Demand.

5. Small Toys – Not only were our toys sharp and again… riddled with lead, they were tiny and easy to swallow. Every child tells their gritty story about the first time they swallowed a lego man or a weeble wobble. We all remember it going in, but seldom do we remember it coming out. They’re probably stuck in the pounds of chewing gum clogging the lining of our intestines. Where they will sit for another 15 years. Only to be replaced by gobs of red meat and polyps.

4. Adult Medicine – When you were sick… you had better been really sick. Parent used to be able to see through a child’s crap. But when you were honestly bleeding out of your own eyes, you were treated as a 400 lb adult. There were no children’s aspirin or youth doses. You opened wide and swallowed what was given to you. If you weren’t immediately rendered unconscious you were fortune to watch dancing stars and kangaroos on the ceiling while you tried to feel your feet. Bonus was when Grandma was taking care of you and you got your first taste of Whiskey. Thanks for making me an alcoholic Gram Gram!

3. Toy Guns – Guns from our childhood were realistic and hurt really bad. From BB Guns to small plastic toy guns, in their own special way they could kill. If not from the projectile, from the first and only time you show off to your friends by waving it around in front of a cop. Now guns are glow orange and shoot feathers. Where is the fun in that?

2. MacGyver – Damn you MacGyver and your display of fun with household chemicals. You caused so much damage with all the fun things we had access to on a daily basis. Who didn’t almost burn down their garage the first time they tried to make C4. Who also knew our mullets would be so flammable?

1. Lawn Darts - Open letter to Lawn Darts: Dear lawn darts, we miss you dearly. We miss the feel of you leaving our hands as we hastily hurled you in the air. The challenge of attempting to catch you before you hit the ground and the funny way you’d stick in our thighs and shoulders. If we could have one wish, we’d wish for the return of you for we feel that alone could be the answer to world peace and summer fun. XOXOXOX, Signed everyone still alive from your reign of terrory fun.

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