It's hard to admit that you hate new trendy technology. When Facebook first launched I penned all my friends who had a page an instant p...

Admitting You Hate Annoyingly New Social Networking Software Is The First Step

It's hard to admit that you hate new trendy technology. When Facebook first launched I penned all my friends who had a page an instant pedophile. I assumed to have a twitter account you just needed to be a uber narcissist. I even referred to Netflix as an aid to the handicapped. I'm an ignorant snob, I can admit it. But it's good to know I'm not alone.

My friend Matt today asked if I used Foursquare. I was familiar with it but I figured it was for those who were highly insured and wished to be robbed weekly. I quickly noticed he blogged about his experience and wrapped up his acceptance of new technology is 6 steps. The same 6 I was not aware I was following.

Here is Matt's process:

1) Find out what it does and how
2) Give my general disapproval
3) Mock people who use it mercilessly
4) Forget about it
5) Hear about it again a year or two later
6) Start using it


I think I was at stage 4 with Foursquare with this conversation with him today I just entered stage 5. Stage 6 is TBD.

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Here is a lost little video we did a few years ago for Super Deluxe. It was written by Sean Watkins and myself and voiced by us and a few ot...

The Island of Recalled Toys

Here is a lost little video we did a few years ago for Super Deluxe. It was written by Sean Watkins and myself and voiced by us and a few others. I did the unicorn, elf, lawn dart and Santa. It was right after Aquadots were recalled because kids were getting high. Can't kids get high anymore?

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"Gawd Bless America" is a Documentary Comedy coming to theaters this spring. The film follows Blake Freeman, who takes a morally...

GAWD Bless America Trailer



"Gawd Bless America" is a Documentary Comedy coming to theaters this spring. The film follows Blake Freeman, who takes a morally and financially bankrupt 69 year old man named Leroy, on a Journey in search of the truth. Leroy has spent his life savings on trying to protect himself from aliens and paranormal ghost, by entrusting the help of psychics. Upon the discovery of Leroy's plight, Blake decides he must take Leroy on a hilarious journey across the country to "uncover the truth" of all things paranormal. From Aliens to Voodoo curses, Blake takes on them all, by pulling pranks on the "so called" experts with hopes to ultimately prove to Leroy, he has been taken advantage of.

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I honestly believe at any second in LA there are never more than 3 available parking spots. This doesn't affect my love for LA, but puts...

Parking In LA

I honestly believe at any second in LA there are never more than 3 available parking spots. This doesn't affect my love for LA, but puts a kink in it. You wouldn't break up with a girl because she didn't have enough chairs in her place, right? You break up with them because they are crazy and don't like your friends. Each week I wake up thinking 'OMG I HAVE TO MOVE MY CAR!!' Except the days when I really need to move it, then I forget. But seeing this picture today made me realize that even in the most desolate areas of the U.S. you need to think outside the box when parking
click to enlarge the goodness

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During the 80's I seldom missed an episode of SNL. Which was odd because that was close to it's darkest decade. Perhaps it was becau...

The Lost 'It's A Wonderful Life" Ending

During the 80's I seldom missed an episode of SNL. Which was odd because that was close to it's darkest decade. Perhaps it was because of gems like this that kept me glued. Dana Carvey will always be one of SNL's shining stars. Merry Christmas on Garth.



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With all its greatness it is possible bacon would be the 5th Earthly element. There is nothing on this great planet that a slice of salty pi...

10 Of The Greatest/Weirdest Things We’ve Seen With Bacon

With all its greatness it is possible bacon would be the 5th Earthly element. There is nothing on this great planet that a slice of salty pig can’t make better, and that statement goes beyond food. Bacon can be used for many items you might not have thought of. Here are a few we’ve found. Now we’re aware that not all these items are made of REAL bacon but like God created us in his image, these items where created in the God-like image of Bacon.

10. The Bacon Bra – What’s the worst part of eating a big breakfast, finishing off the bacon and being left with hash browns and a few egg fragments to sift through. Imagine if after eating your bacon, there was something just as fun left over?

9. The Bacon Cell Phone Cover – You need to protect your phone, but what if you could surround it in swine goodness? In addition if you talk too long and your phone gets hot… listen for the sizzle and get out some bread!

8. The Bacon Assault Rifle – The only problem with have with this is it might infringe on our right to bear bacon. This we feel is our constitutional right!

7. The Bacon Watch – It’s always time for bacon, nothing helps to promote that than the bacon watch. (Warning – may cause you to eat wrists)

6. The Bacon Wallet – Unless you own a farm you need money to buy bacon, but what do you store your money in? Bacon… then use that money to buy more bacon. It’s the circle of life.

5. The Bacon Nike - Puts a real sizzle in your stride. Incredible concept but was banned due the explained death of hundreds of joggers by stray dogs.

4. The Bacon Suit – You’re a distinguished group, you have style and ease. How do you show it? A suit made entirely of bacon. You’ll impress others and never go hungry (Warning – may cause cannibalism.)

3. Bacon Hitler – Considered to be a far less threatening Hitler yet still hated by the Jews. Mostly due to the pork he wears on his head. All in all he’s a fairly nice guy.

2. The Bacon Suitcase – One of the greatest storage items ever created. You’d be surprised to know this but most people use it to carry more bacon.

1. Bacon Heaven – If Heaven really is like this, can you kill us now with the bacon gun so we can start building our bacon houses and find our heavenly bacon wives?

I originally wrote this for Comedy.com many many moons ago

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Living in LA it's become the norm to bump into celebrities throughout my days. Once or twice a week I go from seeing A-list actors all ...

My "Not-so-Great" Brush with Celebrities


Living in LA it's become the norm to bump into celebrities throughout my days. Once or twice a week I go from seeing A-list actors all the way to "Hey, isn't that the guy who played blank on blank?"

But I forget that it wasn't just Hollywood where I had this volume of brushing with celebs. How can I get my pre-LA Celeb-brushes. Not only are they close to my heart... they are the world's most amazing stories. Here are my top 10 favorites

10. I once gave Michael Keaton directions to good pizza.

9. I held Scott Glenn's motorcycle for him while he adjusted the carb.

8. I served Chuck Woolery chicken.

7. I danced with Brook Shields for charity.

6. I used to work for Bruce Willis as security in his club.

5. I almost hit Clint Eastwood with my car.

4. I sat behind Merlin Olsen on a plane.

3. I got drunk with the Greg Kihn Band.

2. Ate a burrito with John Travolta.

1. I once looked through Demi Moore's panties drawer while dripping wet with my friend Jeff.

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Real Life Mario and Luigi

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This week we start production of our new web game show FTW (For The Win). Want some awesome fun and crappy prizes? Hit me up if you're ...

Want To Film A Game Show At Your Work?


This week we start production of our new web game show FTW (For The Win). Want some awesome fun and crappy prizes? Hit me up if you're in the LA area

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A repost? Sure it is. But since the TSA is all uppity and in the news for touching our jibblets, I thought I'd repost it. This was actua...

TSA Training Video - Huge A Jew

A repost? Sure it is. But since the TSA is all uppity and in the news for touching our jibblets, I thought I'd repost it. This was actually a piece that Turner Broadcasting wouldn't buy. Where's the love?




This was based on the stand up of Marshall Chiles who's the other TSA agent you see on the right. Thanks Marshall

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My friend John Crow, who reads the lottery numbers in Atlanta, had NO idea he was going to be on the premiere of Conan O'brien's new...

My Buddy John Crow on the Conan Premiere

My friend John Crow, who reads the lottery numbers in Atlanta, had NO idea he was going to be on the premiere of Conan O'brien's new show until his friends started texting him saying 'Dude, you're reaching in a bear's crotch on national TV".

So there's that.



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The world is now a greater place because of this video.

Commando: The Musical

The world is now a greater place because of this video.


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I do most of my SNL'ing late at night via Hulu. The best part is they already cut out the crappy sketches leaving the not so crappy sket...

Jon Hamm, SNL, I Didn't Ask For This, Instant Laughter

I do most of my SNL'ing late at night via Hulu. The best part is they already cut out the crappy sketches leaving the not so crappy sketches on the site. I was looking forward to seeing Jon Hamm break away from the 2 dimensional Don Draper (Mad Men) again but had no idea he'd be as funny as he was this Halloween. One sketch actually had me in bed, alone... in tears.

Wait... that sounds creepy.

Either way... watch.

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Halloween is on a Sunday. So most of us will have been partied out via Saturday night. So what to do while handing out that candy and nursin...

10 Of The Best Horror Films To Watch This Halloween

Halloween is on a Sunday. So most of us will have been partied out via Saturday night. So what to do while handing out that candy and nursing your hangover? Scary movies of course. Oh hell yeah there are a trillion and seven horror movies out there to choose from, but you can't just watch ANY scary movie on the night of nights to watch them... so you must choose... wisely.

OMG you're thinking... what if I pick the wrong flicks and destroy my whole freaking night?

No fear, I've got your back. Here are 10 movies that if you just happen to watch ONE of them, you'll want to give me all your candy corn. Which I will eat btw.

There are in no order except I put them in this order... so yeah, there's that.

10. Evil Dead 2

So you're all like "Hey Bill, I didn't see the first one! While I get it?" 2 is basically a better 1. Both have Bruce Campbell and will swallow your soul, so you're good. You're gonna wanna watch Army of Darkness right after. Did I mention Bruce Campbell?



9. Shawn of the Dead

Who doesn't love zombies? If you're going to watch one zombie flick that George Romero didn't touch with his golden thumb, make it this one. I'm a huge Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg fan (Spaced) and you should be too so watch this. I'm not kidding.



8. Poltergeist

Oh sure, you're all like "Hey Bill, this is like the Disney of horror films." but I don't respond to sassing and I will defend this film until my dying by an angry ghost day. Dead people in a pool? Angry clown doll? Get out baby! BTW... shame on them for the next two films. Ignore them.



7. Let The Right One In

This isn't the shitty US remake, this is the original Swedish awesomatic film. Subtitled? Sure... but you can't subtitle blood and fangs. so there's that.



6. An American Werewolf In London

No way this is not just about the most incredible werewolf film ever made. It also rewrote the way Oscars do Oscars. This is why most people don't stray off the path.



5. The Shining

Do I even need to explain this one? It was the second movie I bought on BluRay, The Usual Suspects being the first. From there it's all a DVD blur. Oh yes, I understand this isn't the original trailer, but how can I not share this gem.



4. Pyscho

"Oh Bill, it's a black and white and old and stuff." Shut up now. I'm not listening to you. It's a classic and Alfred Hitchock was a horror God. Wow... I sound like a fanboy. Either way, it's amazing and should be in your horror DNA.



3. Return Of The Living Dead

So imagine Night of the Living Dead took place in the 80s and had no standards. This is a campy classic and must be viewed. If not for the scare factor, just to remember why we're so happy the 80s are over.



2. They Live

So you're thinking that your Halloween needs a bowl full of campy movie lines. Well, this sucker brings it. Sure it's not so much monsters but aliens... but that is no matter my friend. It's still a big chunk of cheese.



1. Halloween

You really didn't think I'd leave out Halloween movie of all Halloween movies? Hence the title. If you're not watching this then it must be Christmas (I don't know what that means).

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Well, my first attempt at a million hit video didn't work. So I'm trying it again. If this doesn't work I'm kicking someone ...

1,000,000 hit video part 2. Now with scary ghost video

Well, my first attempt at a million hit video didn't work. So I'm trying it again. If this doesn't work I'm kicking someone in the nuts.



Here was my first attempt

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Sure I did Lady Ga Ga with hand farts. But this guy maybe went a notch better. Okay, his notch goes to 11

Someone Does Lady Ga Ga Better Than Me

Sure I did Lady Ga Ga with hand farts. But this guy maybe went a notch better. Okay, his notch goes to 11

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This is what happens when I'm bored and between two meetings on a Wednesday. Now of course in all honesty I've made million hit ...

My 1,000,000 Hit Video

This is what happens when I'm bored and between two meetings on a Wednesday.



Now of course in all honesty I've made million hit videos before. But not in 15 minutes and with a lap top. (And of course this one is at 6 views... so there's that)



I guess this one is almost 2 million. Thanks Scotty K.

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There isn't a lot that excites me about Christmas anymore. But this year will be different, because yes Virginia there IS a New Coen bro...

Is it Christmas Yet? Coen Brothers True Grit Trailer is the Best Present Ever

There isn't a lot that excites me about Christmas anymore. But this year will be different, because yes Virginia there IS a New Coen brothers' film. True Grit opens December 25th and while you greedy little bastards will bet eating mushy yams and picking up torn up wrapping paper, I will be watching my favorite film makers newest classic. I'm giddy like a school girl. Giddy dammit.



Is this about the coolest looking film of 2010?

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I don't get many things right the first time. In fact, I am told that a lot. Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brou...

I Am The Luckiest

I don't get many things right the first time. In fact, I am told that a lot. Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here. And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it everyday and I know that I am the luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you in a house on a street where you lived? Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike.

Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes I see one pair that I recognize and I know that I am the luckiest. I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you. Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties and one day passed away in his sleep and his wife; she stayed for a couple of days and passed away. I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong. That I know that I am the luckiest

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It seems odd to me that a video this good only have 55k views. Have the rainy day blues? Then watch this video and see a band successfully e...

HOLLERADO: AMERICANARAMA. OK GO Has Some Competition

It seems odd to me that a video this good only have 55k views. Have the rainy day blues? Then watch this video and see a band successfully emulate OK GO

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While digging through a hard drive today I found some old Fark TV episodes. I didn't feel like posting them all, but this one seemed wor...

From The Vault. Lost Fark TV Episode

While digging through a hard drive today I found some old Fark TV episodes. I didn't feel like posting them all, but this one seemed worthy. It was the second video we ever filmed. Oh sweet waffles.

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I'm never a big fan when someone messes with my childhood. Tron, though a big clump of cheese, is one of those things I tend to be a lit...

TRON: Lebowski

I'm never a big fan when someone messes with my childhood. Tron, though a big clump of cheese, is one of those things I tend to be a little protective over. So I'm hesitant to have any love for the new Tron... which might look a little too much like the old Tron... which did I mention was a bit too clumpy... of cheese?

Anyhow, I guess when you combine it with one of the greatest films ever made everything just ends up right.

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Who has time for Television? The restrictions of dedicating yourself to 60 minutes on a couch at a specific time each week. I can't do ...

10 Things You Should Be Watching On Hulu


Who has time for Television? The restrictions of dedicating yourself to 60 minutes on a couch at a specific time each week. I can't do it! Why are you looking at me like that? I really can't.

So now you're going to say "Don't you have a DVR Bill? Can't you just record shit and watch it later?"

It's a clusterfuck in there. My DVR isn't smart enough to only record things I haven't watched yet and loads up with crap I have to sit through for 5 minutes before I've realized I've already seen it.

My family is already worried about all the episodes of Hoarders I'm storing. I'm meaning to watch them. I will delete them later. (Is this joke too much of a thinker?)

Anyhow. I've been saying for years that if you want me to watch your stupid (or awesome) show then you better put it on Hulu for my viewing pleasure. Lucky for people like you, some executives actually listen to me.

So I've created a list of shows that you should be watching on Hulu instead of working. Here they are in my awesomatic opinionated order.

10. PEEP SHOW - (Show Page) I have a bit of love for British humor. This show cuddles my heart and make me kettle corn. Peep Show is filmed through the eyes of their characters. It's funny, quick and won't go over the head of an American audience. Mark and Jeremy are friends, roommates and completely inept in social grace. 36 episodes that will make your work day a little less painful. Watch it dammit!


9. DREAM ON - (Show Page) I may take some heat for this one due to the fact that it's the edited version and only the first few seasons. But if you enjoyed this back in the day, then there is just enough to restore the show's goodness. Though if you have it on DVD, then watch it instead... and invite me over.


8. DANA CARVEY SHOW - (Show Page) I honestly don't understand why this show only lasted 6 episodes. Dana Carvey may have been too over the top for prime time but the breakout performance of Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert and Robert Smigel were them at their best. Watch all, wash hands, repeat.



7. THE TICK - (Show Page) Only 9 episodes but honestly, that's all you need. It's the big blue superhero brought to life by actors who almost seem to know it was over before it started. Spppppooooooooooooooonnnnnnnn!


6. SQUARE PEGS - (Show Page) If you want to know what school was like in the 80s... well then don't watch this show. But do you want to see Sarah Jessica Parker before she was transformed into a shiny mannequin and some awesome 80s fashions, then this is for you. Yay for cleavage.


5. ARCHER - (Show Page) Fairly new to television but already captured episode awesomeness. It's not just because I have a friend who works on this show either. Archer captures the cheesy of Bond movies and hands it to you with a shiny bow.


4. SNL DIGITAL SHORTS - (Show Page) One of the best things about the internet is only having to watch the funny SNL skits and avoiding anything that has the kid from Good Burger in it. But I've yet to watch a Digital Short that didn't make me hate Andy Sanberg's talent. Yes, that's jealousy talking. Where is Tonya Harding when you need her?


3. SPACED - (Show Page) The concept of two people having to fake a relationship to be roommates might be a little outdated, but the awesomeness Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg bring to this short lived British sitcom will live forever. When I heard they were making a US version with out the creators of the original I was sad. When I heard it was horrific and would never see the light of day after production, I felt relieved. These are the same guys who brought you Hot Fuzz and Shawn of the Dead. How could it NOT be incredible?


2. LOUIE - (Show Page) I honestly had no clue how talented Louie CK was until I watch this series. The good news is it's brand new and the Hulu page should flourish. I can watch the scenes with Ricky Gervias all day (in fact I think I did).


1. THE OFFICE UK (Show Page) - Well I still get a little hate mail for a blog post I wrote about THE OFFICE UK vs THE OFFICE US. But I stand firm in my assessment. The US version just don't hold up. Hulu is going to back me up on this by offering the entire series online. So until you've watch the whole thing... go away.

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No, this isn't new... but it's still one of the funniest things I've seen on the Interwebs. These are the same guys who did the ...

Samuel L Jackson Was Almost In Titanic

No, this isn't new... but it's still one of the funniest things I've seen on the Interwebs. These are the same guys who did the Obama and McCain dance off. Why doesn't this have millions and trillions of views? Either way, super funny and very well done.



This Mother F***ing boat is drowning!

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Many moons ago I did stand up and have just recently pick up a few slots here and there. Stand up is a great hobby but I'd never try to ...

Getting Booked In A Comedy Club - That Sounds Fair

Many moons ago I did stand up and have just recently pick up a few slots here and there. Stand up is a great hobby but I'd never try to make it my full time gig.

Why?

Well I'm not funny.

Wait Bill, is there another reason?

Yeah, it's a ton of work.

How much? Well check out this little diddy and see a bitter comic (not me) vents frustrations via the art of free animation



Thanks to Comedynews for the find

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The great thing about Hollywood is it's the place where dreams come true. Yet they didn't mention that the dreams could be coma si...

Who Needs a Movie?



The great thing about Hollywood is it's the place where dreams come true. Yet they didn't mention that the dreams could be coma size where they last for years... and years. I only know this due to my totally wicked awesome screenplay that Lions Gate has been hee'ing and haw'ing over for the last year. I was told it was in my best interest to write a 'throw away' script that I didn't care if it was changed or not. So I've been writing a little diddy about softball. Super funny of course and the more I worked on it the more I realized I could probably film it myself. I'm surrounded by amazing talent on both sides of the camera and I find I can do almost anything for a dollar... so why not?

No of course this isn't too amazing since you can walk in any Starbucks in LA and find 5 people trying to film their own movie, the difference here is mine is awesomatic and I have better hair.

So now that I've rambled enough. I'm done.

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A year ago I suggested anyone who went to my high school, any year, show up to the Pines Bar at Bass Lake and 250 people showed up. We deci...

Yosemite High School's Badger Days 2010

A year ago I suggested anyone who went to my high school, any year, show up to the Pines Bar at Bass Lake and 250 people showed up. We decided to do it again, organize it a little better and kazaam, even more people showed up. We call the event Badger Days and this year, its second year, was even better.








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If you're only going to watch one video for the day of a guy getting it on with a Saxophone, make it this one This is what I'd hav...

Oh how I love the Epic Sax Guy

If you're only going to watch one video for the day of a guy getting it on with a Saxophone, make it this one


This is what I'd have to call SAXROLL'D

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Ever thought of doing stand up? I've done it, it's not easy. Especially when you see someone as good as this guy. I first saw this v...

Worst Comedian Ever? No, How About The Best!!!

Ever thought of doing stand up? I've done it, it's not easy. Especially when you see someone as good as this guy. I first saw this video a few years ago, I can't believe he doesn't have a TV deal by now. What's up Hollywood? Don't know great talent when you see it? Where's your "World According to Jim" now?

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Bad Ass Patrick Stewart turns 70 today. Sure he was totally wicked awesome in Star Trek and X-Men, but if you haven't seen his performan...

Happy Birthday Patrick Stewart

Bad Ass Patrick Stewart turns 70 today. Sure he was totally wicked awesome in Star Trek and X-Men, but if you haven't seen his performance in Ricky Gervais' TV show Extras then you're completely missing out. The bloopers from his episode is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. So much love for Captain Picard.



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Two years ago we burped out this little gem. We don't need no stinkin Tom Cruise! Enjoy your 4th

Porn On The Fourth Of July

Two years ago we burped out this little gem. We don't need no stinkin Tom Cruise! Enjoy your 4th

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For the third time in a year I've hike Half Dome. We decided to hit it early this year and during a week day to avoid the line at the ca...

Hiking Half Dome

For the third time in a year I've hike Half Dome. We decided to hit it early this year and during a week day to avoid the line at the cables. The line was still monstrous but we still made it to the top. It's 17 miles of pure Hell, if Hell was full of mist trails and pretty trees.


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A friend asked to take a few pics of me to play with their new camera. Yup, I'm just this sexy!

Ready For My Close Up

A friend asked to take a few pics of me to play with their new camera. Yup, I'm just this sexy!




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I'm still a little hurt and confused over the ending of LOST. Almost fetal position in the tub... but I will recover. And though this is...

Bleeping Lost Via Jimmy Kimmel

I'm still a little hurt and confused over the ending of LOST. Almost fetal position in the tub... but I will recover. And though this is a few weeks old, it still makes me feel MUCH better.

This Week in Unnecessary Censorship - LOST Edition


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This is a post I wrote a year ago for Comedy.com . A friend asked me about it a while ago so I reposted it here. Enjoy We all go through l...

10 Signs You Might Be A Zombie

This is a post I wrote a year ago for Comedy.com. A friend asked me about it a while ago so I reposted it here. Enjoy

We all go through life a little clueless. Sometimes we don’t learn things about ourselves until they’re brought to our attention. For example, what if you’re the loud guy at the party. But you’re really not aware of it until a few friends bring it up over dinner. You’re shocked, embarrassed but now aware and can remedy the situation.

Now imagine your a Zombie. It’s an awkward social dilemma, in most part because your friends are less likely to bring it up. Probably for fear of your reaction and the chance they would be eaten. So how do you know if you’re a zombie? Here are 10 signs you could be the walking dead

10. You Died Recently – Think back, did anything drastic happen to you lately? Car crash? brutal attack? Bite from someone who may or may not have been dead? If so, and you’re still walking around then you could be a zombie.

9. Really Bad Body Odor – Deodorants and expensive soaps just not cutting it? Do you find that you’re putting on extra perfumes or colognes to keep from offending others? There really is nothing strong enough to battle the stench of decaying flesh. If this is the case you could be a zombie.

8. Inability To Run – Having problems on the treadmill? Find yourself doing a 30 minute mile? Is it even hard to keep up with the elderly people on the sidewalks? This could be caused by the deterioration of leg muscle and hardening of tissues. This could be the reason for your shambling gait. If you’re unable to chase down even the smallest of children, you could be a zombie.

7. Appearance Problems – Do you exhibit signs of physical decomposition such as rotting flesh, discolored eyes, open wounds, exposed bone, green skin, or loss of hair? If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms please consult your mortician. You could be a zombie.

6. Inability to Speak – Conversations getting more and more difficult? Do you find sentences being reduced to one or two words? Is it easier to grunt or moan rather than express your true feelings? If so, you could be a zombie.

5. Lack Of Sleep – Instead of being nuzzled up in bed, do you find yourself walking the streets all hours of the night? If it’s 3 am and you’d rather be causing terror in a park than catching 40 winks, you could be a zombie.

4. New View On Movies – Do you suddenly catch yourself cheering for the ‘other guys’ when watching Night of the Living Dead? You could be a zombie.

3. Inability To Be Killed – Are villagers having a hard time killing you? Can you only be destroyed after having your head removed? You could be a zombie.

2. Wardrobe Malfunctions – Have you been wearing the same clothes for weeks or maybe months at a time? Think about it for a second, was this the outfit you wanted to be buried in? Are they now just a shredded mess of fabric hanging off your rotting bones? If so, you could be a zombie.

1. BRAINS! – Find your diet has changed? Is gray matter the first thing you look for on a menu? There is no doubt about it, you’re a zombie.

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Beyond my weekly Double Double I seldom eat fast food anymore. I'd like to say it's because I'm trying to take better care of my...

The Time I Was Kicked Out Of McDonalds Over Cheese

Beyond my weekly Double Double I seldom eat fast food anymore. I'd like to say it's because I'm trying to take better care of myself but deep down I don't really crave it, ever.

Though in my day I inhaled it as I do air. I could eat it three meals day. Hell, four times on a weekend. (I think I invented Fourthmeal.) I knew every menu and how to make the best outta my $4. (I didn't eat there because I was rich).

Last week I ate at a McDonalds for the first time in years. I was coming back from the Ronald Reagan Library (my Democratic soul didn't make the walls collapse) and it appears that Simi Valley is full of chains and more chains... so fast food it was.

It reminded me of a story going ALL the way back to my high school years. When hair spray was king and Alf was a star. I was in my neighborhood McDonalds doing something I seldom did. I was looking at the menu. This was due to the person blocking the line with questions about each product. If you don't know anything about a McDonalds' menu by now you have no business in the real world.

While looking at the menu I noticed something very interesting about the cheese. It raised some questions which I hoped to have answered if I ever made it to the smiley, zit faced girl behind the register.

Finally it was my turn, I had one simple order. "Hi, I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese. But I don't want the 40 cent cheese you put on it. I'd like the 10 cent cheese you put on the regular burgers."

I received a very blank stare. Now I will add that either way I probably was going to get that blank stare, I think it was genetic.

"I'm sorry?" she stammered.

"I don't want the 40 cent cheese you put on the quarter pounders. Gimme the 10 cent cheese you put on the regular burgers."

"Isn't that the same cheese?" She asked.

"I don't know, you tell me. You charge 30 cent more for it."

At this point she found it funny and punched in quarter pounder with cheese for me. Then asked if I wanted anything else. I expressed to her I was very serious. I told her to ring me up a regular quarter pounder, then add the 10 cent cheese. She should be able to figure it out.

At this point an older couple was ordering next to me who seemed to be torn between their hatred for whippersnappers and their admiration for my freedom of cheese. They asked the girl to just ring up the regular burger cheese.

I had back up.

She told me she didn't think there was a way for her to ring this up.

I asked her if she could ring up extra cheese? She played around with the register for a bit and found it. 40 cents.

I asked if she could ring up a cheese burger, then minus the meat and the bun.

At this point a manager arrived. I was going to get down to the meat of this thing. Well, the cheese.

Apparently this wasn't one of those helpful managers but one of those manager who is bitter about his job and protective over the teenage girls he hopes he will eventually sleep with. He found no humor in my request.

Though I was no longer trying to be funny, I wanted my 10 cent cheese.

Upon explaining myself I found that the only way to actually get 10 cent cheese was to ring up an employee burger, an employee though... I was not.

When I asked him to explain to me why the quarter pounder cheese was 30 cents more for the same piece of cheese, he tried to explain that a quarter pounder was more difficult to make.

Therefore, we're paying for the labor.

Someone, somewhere did the math and figured out the 3 second rate of making my value meal. I've gotsta give it to you McDonalds... you're thorough!

Now if I was working at McDonalds for minimum wage, yet found out the big boys were scoring 30 cents each time I slapped a piece of cheese on a burger, I'd be pissed.

You'd think this fact alone would start an uprising behind the counter and get the employees to stand up for their rights! Fight oppression!!!

No, all this did was get me a polite invitation to leave to store and not come back.

30 minutes later I ate a Whopper, with 40 cent cheese.

2 comments:

Everyday someone dies from marriage. Gazillions of dollars goes into research each year as they look for answers to fight this killer, yet m...

The Health Risks of Second Hand Marriage

Everyday someone dies from marriage. Gazillions of dollars goes into research each year as they look for answers to fight this killer, yet more and more are dying. I feel for those who are married. Knowing any second they could just drop dead in a horrific manner. But what about us? The single people who are surrounded by married people. Those, like me, who suffer from second hand marriage.

We are the nameless victims. The friends who have to listen to all their married problems. The weeks of no sex, how they are unappreciated for their hard work, how the toilet seat is left in that position for a reason. These and many other gripes we are subjected to hear about on a daily basis. Causing us to feel as if we were married ourselves. So much pain due to our friendship to those in a matrimonial contract.

It's been several years since I quit marriage and it's taken all that time to get myself back to a healthy stature. But as I listen to my friend Bob tell me about the baby shower he's forced to attend this weekend instead of going to the bbq at Jim's house, I begin to cough uncontrollably. Bob might as well be sticking a knife in my chest.

So for those of you who are married, those who have forsaken their own health by getting married... please think of us as you're whining about your spouse or telling us about the life you COULD have had.

You're killing use with, one baby picture at a time.

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Hey Guys, I've started pre-production on a documentary about an amazing friend. One of those people you know who had everything, lost ev...

Who Wants To Be A Hollywood Movie Producer?

Hey Guys, I've started pre-production on a documentary about an amazing friend. One of those people you know who had everything, lost everything, got it back due to an odd turn of events and ended up becoming an aging cage fighter. Here's your chance to become a Hollywood producer. For a donation of $20 you'll be a producer of the film, given a real live credit in the film. Even an IMDB credit. For a donation of $100 or more you'll be given a big ass producer credit at the end and a production shirt with 'producer' added and your name. Wouldn't it feel good to help a film maker get his totally awesomatic film made? I'm using my own funds for 50% of the project and am relying on the kindness of my internet friends for the rest. Then you're all invited with me to the Oscars! I've added a paypal button to make it happen. So, make it happen.






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Internet rumors are so much fun. Apparently Sandra Bullock and Jesse James have a sex tape. I don't think any title will beat One Nigh...

Top 10 Best Names For Sandra Bullock and Jesse James Sex Tape

Internet rumors are so much fun. Apparently Sandra Bullock and Jesse James have a sex tape. I don't think any title will beat One Night In Paris, but if they're looking for some great names, here are my suggestions.

10. Murder By Hummers

9. While You Were Knocked Out On Rohypnol

8. The DameWhosLicking Man (sound it out)

7. The Lake Whore

6. 28 Lays

5. Two If By Sea, One If By Cup

4. Miss Cunnilingusality

3. The Nut

2. Sperm 2: Armed and Sticky

1. The Back Side

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This week I will begin production of my newest project. My good friend Matt and myself are producing a web game show. It's fairly comma...

Web Game Show Time


This week I will begin production of my newest project. My good friend Matt and myself are producing a web game show. It's fairly commando and will allow stupid people to do stupid things. Although it already has a name, we should be calling it UBER AWESOME!

0 comments:

Here is my official Saturday morning LOL. I say this because I really LOL'd. Not like people you talk to on instant messenger and respon...

PG Porn: Helpful Bus - Uncensored! Uber Funny. I Promise

Here is my official Saturday morning LOL. I say this because I really LOL'd. Not like people you talk to on instant messenger and respond to your message "man, I can't believe it's only 3" with an "LOL". Because if you didn't really LOL and your type LOL the terrorist win.

So with that. Here is PG Porn: Helpful Bus - Uncensored!

0 comments:

Being a big fan of Edgar Wright I can't help but get giddy for this film. If you don't know who he is, he directed Shaun of the Dead...

Edgar Wrights: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - Movie Trailer

Being a big fan of Edgar Wright I can't help but get giddy for this film. If you don't know who he is, he directed Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and one of the best television shows ever, Spaced.

Although he's working with the very 2 dimensional Michael Cera, I am eager to see this film. Uber eager. Hence my giddiness.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World Movie Trailer

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There are only a handful of things I can't do. These are them. 10. Get full off sushi 9. Touch dead things 8. Watch Dirty Dancing 7....

10 Things I Can't Do

There are only a handful of things I can't do. These are them.

10. Get full off sushi

9. Touch dead things

8. Watch Dirty Dancing

7. Try on clothing

6. Please my family

5. Tuck in my shirt

4. Listen to Country music

3. Find an excuse to wear my old leather jacket

2. Put pineapple on a pizza

1. Flip through anymore channels upon discovering Die Hard is on

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If you're only going to watch one video this week, one video that will leave you as speechless as the words to this song, make it this o...

Best Lryics Ever?

If you're only going to watch one video this week, one video that will leave you as speechless as the words to this song, make it this one.



Here is one I can't mess up the words on.

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Although I've been unblessed with a horrific singing voice, it has not restricted me from singing loudly throughout my days. Showering, ...

5 Songs I Horribly Learned The Words Wrong To

Although I've been unblessed with a horrific singing voice, it has not restricted me from singing loudly throughout my days. Showering, driving, cooking, bothering those around me. I always seem to find time in my day to be musically boisterous. With all this singing, I don't always have time to learn the words to the songs so I tend come up with the lyrics that I hear in my head. After time, I just assume I'm right. Although there is always that day when someone says "What did you just sing?" This is the point when I sadly realize I am wrong. This seems to happen more often than I'd like and even more the songs I sing the most. Which songs are they? Here are the top 5 songs I was singing incorrectly.

5. Blinded by the Light - Manfred Mann's Earth Band: I never questioned why you'd rev up a douche in the middle of the night. But how does make less sense than "Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night"? Who was higher? Me when I heard it or them when they wrote it?

4. Hold On Loosely - .38 Special: Apparently no one is concerned that Lucy might just let go.

3. Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme - Simon and Garfunkel: For a few years I swore that someone partly saved a girl named Rosemary, and they did it on time.

2. The Joker - Steve Miller: Sadly this was a VERY recent discovery. A year ago I was driving around with my friend Elizabeth when The Joker began to play in the car. A smile hit my face when I realized I could show off a bit while singing a classic which I proudly knew all the words to. This was a short lived victory when Elizabeth quickly asked me why if someone liked your beaches, would they be shaking your tree?

1. Little Red Corvette - Prince: A 13 year old running down the hall singing "Pay The Rent Come On Babe, Wahooooo!" in front of his older sister is bound for a lifetime of to torment and reminders that a Corvette is a much better focus to a song instead of a trip to your landlord. My point is how are you supposed to afford housing when you drive such an expensive car?

0 comments:

I don't know why I have so much love for IHOP, it's sub-par food served with a grunt yet I make my way back month after month and ho...

Amazing 1969 IHOP Commercial

I don't know why I have so much love for IHOP, it's sub-par food served with a grunt yet I make my way back month after month and hope for a hairless omelet. But now I believe my love comes at a subconscious level, an image placed on my youth as a child as I sat in front of a Television in hopes to keep my developing brain entertained. I can only imagine I had watched this commercial over and over. It left an etch, and apparently an itch at well.

0 comments:

I've officially given up on NBC's The Office, and for this I am sad. No one wanted this show to shine more than I. I was a fan of th...

The Office - UK vs US. And The Winner Is?

I've officially given up on NBC's The Office, and for this I am sad. No one wanted this show to shine more than I. I was a fan of the UK version and was antsy in my pantsies from the moment I heard of the Americanized production. I followed each new actor as they were cast and eagerly awaited its premiere. I watched the first few season with a smile on my face and waited for it to finally click. Hope it would eventually find its way. It never did.

Now I don't wish to come across as a snob who will never give an UK import a chance. Many of my favorite (favoUrite) shows from overseas have come to America in a western version and I've managed to be a fan. Although it's unfortunate that some of the best UK shows never seem to make it past the first season, much less the pilot. A perfect example being The IT Crowd. Huge success overseas and imported to America with Joel McCale (The Soup, Community) as a lead was so misunderstood it never even aired. If you haven't watched The IT Crowd (UK), it's on Netflix instant play... make it so. I'll wait.

So obviously I was uber happy when the US version of The Office had instant legs and managed to collect a healthy audience. Me being one of the many eyes who watched it each week.

But each week it got harder to watch. It was as if they were running out of ideas and felt introducing new characters each week might add some much needed flavor. Sadly saturating everything that was good about the original.

Now to its defense, British sitcoms are generally 6 episodes per season. Therefore it's easy to stay focused on the plot and takes the onus off the writers to come up with crappy little side plots. You get 6 great episodes out of 6 in the UK rather than 12 great episodes out of 23 in the US. And if they are feeling sassy, the UK will sometimes throw in a 90 minute Christmas special. There really is a Santa after all.

So all that in mind, that's not the entire reason why The Office has failed me. The biggest reason is the lack of using everything that made the original work. The characters. Here is what I mean.

David Brent/Michael Scott
The moronic manager(s) of this half-hearted paper company. No one really knows how they achieved leadership in the organization and even more, how they maintain it. David Brent (played by show cocreator Rickey Gervais) and Michael Scott (played by Steve Carell) are fairly similar in their presentation. Both are idiots who are ultra-concerned about how they are perceived. They all resemble someone we've worked for in the past, we related to them and that's why they work. But there is one major trait the US version omitted from their boss was Brent's tendency to be a complete dick. David Brent was worried how others viewed him but it didn't stop him from being a total ass in the process. Gervais took a big risk creating a character that you can could laugh at, and hate. Michael Scott only allows you to laugh and feel pity. Is pity a better emotion than hate? In my opinion no. Gervais was brilliant as Brent and though I would have hated to share an office with him, as an outsider I could watch him cause havoc everyday.

Tim/Jim
The voice of reason in The Office world. He allows you to recognize idiocracy with smarmy comments and the occasion look straight into the camera. Martin Freeman played Tim Canterbury in the UK version and though Tim claimed he had no 'mates', you just wanted to be his friend. John Krasinski plays Jim Halpert here in the states and when you manage to get past his tween hair cute you'll notice that he's been given the personality of his comb. His only noticeable trait is self righteous attitude he has towards everyone he works with. In a real office, he'd be the guy who eats lunch alone and would hear about the office bbqs on the Monday after. I think Krasinski is not being utilized as an actor in this role. I also think he needs adult hair.

Dawn/Pam
A great character creation. She is the girl in the office that you'd normally never really look at. But because you work with them on a daily basis, and occasionally you come to terms that you're really not all that, you eventually hit on them out of convience. And because they generally aren't THAT hot... you stand a chance. I'm going to call this one a push. Both Lucy Davis (Dawn Tinsley) and Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesly) handle the role well. Davis was a little more believable in her hatred towards her job but then, who really loves their job? So perhaps pretending you like it might just make you the better actor.

Gareth/Dwight
This one is a no brainer. Every office has that horrific social outcast. The one person who doesn't fit in nor has not a clue to why they don't. Gareth Keenan (Mackenzie Crook) cleverly captured this person and let us watch his torment as he was surrounded by those he just didn't get. He was extremely believable in the role, down to his horrific haircut and oversized suits. Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) is a sitcomy character that you'd expect to see as a walk-on character on Good Times. Every ounce of realism the original show had has been sucked out with a Dyson via Dwight. Suck power of 10.

The Other Characters/The Other Characters
One major different between the two shows was the usage of background characters. The UK had ragtag group of accountants who other than Keith, you probably didn't know their names. The US has Oscar, Kevin, Angela, Stanley, etc. Not only are they added to the storyline, but sometimes they are the stars of the episodes. I see the desire to highlight lessor characters as the expanded season limits to what you can do with your main people. But here is the saturation issue I brought up before. Let me focus on the people I want to see. I'd prefer not to have to watch a storyline about Angela's cat calendar when I'm wondering if the branch is closing or not.

Chris 'Finchy' Finch, And...

The US version gave a futile attempt at one of my favorite characters, Finch. Chris Finch (Ralph Ineson) was the man-love recipient of David Brent. He was rude, arrogant and familiar. He came in to the office, stirred it up and left it is a wake of mental filth. The US version used him few times as Todd Packer (David Koechner) is memorable episodes as... ummmm. When I don't even remember what they did with him, but they left out a major source of humor and insight to the mind of Michael Scott. Maybe something that would help us care for Scott a little more. Gimme Finch, gimme gimme.

I can grip about how Brent's boss Jennifer Taylor-Clark's (Stirling Gallacher) creditability was wiped away by Scott's boss Jan Levinson (Melora Hardin) due to the writers' fear of losing another joke source, or just how the US version is so fearful of having any legitimate straight man. If it has a mouth, it needs to be spewing funny. Waste not, want not. Blah blah blah.

Anyone who watched a single episode of the original version might not figure out right away it was a scripted production. They might not figure it out all at. The US version is missing a laugh track and the occasional appearance of Alf.

Yes, I'm being harsh but it took 5 years for these feelings to incubate and finally surface. This was the season when I said I can watch no more. I don't watch much television, so if I'm watching something it better be totally-wicked awesome. Like, The Office (UK)

103 comments:

I spent 6 weeks with a girl named Stacia, who taught me the true meaning of this song. We've all had a Stacia, right?

Has Everyone Had Their Bob Dylan Today?



I spent 6 weeks with a girl named Stacia, who taught me the true meaning of this song.

We've all had a Stacia, right?

0 comments:

Alright, Youtube DOES know me. They know me well enough to know I can watch infantile clips of people being kicked in the nuts, falling down...

YouTube, You Think You Know Me?

Alright, Youtube DOES know me. They know me well enough to know I can watch infantile clips of people being kicked in the nuts, falling down stairs and most importantly... farting.


This video Youtube deemed Me-worthy. Sure I like the classics, but thanks for thinking of me when you get some viral flatulence!

0 comments:

I love geek. My inner geek speaks to me daily, and sometimes I use my inner geek to speak for me. So when I see others speaking geek I get a...

Loving The Geek Love

I love geek. My inner geek speaks to me daily, and sometimes I use my inner geek to speak for me. So when I see others speaking geek I get all warm and fuzzy.

Ctrl + Z [I'm sorry]

Roses are #FFOOOO

Binary Jewelry

0 comments:

So I was sitting in a parking garage today wasting some time before a meeting and I let my mind wander. Horrible things usually happen when ...

World's Greatest Practical Joke... Ever!

So I was sitting in a parking garage today wasting some time before a meeting and I let my mind wander. Horrible things usually happen when I let it go wild but today, it feel it didn't let me down. I came up with the greatest practical joke ever!

So you start off by going online and talking to a young girl with a fake name. Of course when I say young I mean around 15. Start talking sexy with her and see if she's up for a little sex. She's on the internet so she probably is. After she is a go, ask her for her address and tell her you'll see her in a little bit.

The next step is call up a buddy. A really good buddy. Tell him you're all meeting for poker and he's supposed to show up and bring some Mike's Hard Lemonade. Then give him that address.

Next thing you know he is face to face with Chris Hansen from Dateline and everyone is laughing. The best part is he gets to be on TV.

Hilarity ensues.

Try it on your friends, it's fun!

0 comments:

I have a new project I'm working on that might send me on the road for a bit. Not sure if I want to go through with it just yet. But who...

Who Needs A Road Trip?

I have a new project I'm working on that might send me on the road for a bit. Not sure if I want to go through with it just yet. But who wouldn't want a paid vacation right?

0 comments:

Occasionally I find a lost episode of Fark TV. After Turner took them down we managed to sneak a few on youtube and sometimes you find one o...

Screwdriver up the Ass... a hidden gem

Occasionally I find a lost episode of Fark TV. After Turner took them down we managed to sneak a few on youtube and sometimes you find one on other sites. My friend Gus found one of my favorites on Funny or Die. It's called Screwdriver Up The Ass. I loved this one for many reasons. In most part to the making of it which took two tries. We were kicked out of the first court house we were filming in once Sean took his pants off. The second reason was our introduction to actor Aaron Beelner who plays the assistant lawyer and how we didn't fully explain prior to his arrival exactly what he was going to do at the end of the episode. Once we revealed his role he said "great, let's do it". This was one of the most fun and weirdest film days we ever had. Oh, and I was also very Judgelike... it was my best role ever! Well, that week.

0 comments:

cheap hosting - rent a car dublin

cheap hosting - rent a car dublin

How does Abraham Lincoln celebrate his birthday? Bowling with other dead Presidents. This is one of the Fark TV videos I hold closet to my h...

It's Presidents' Day. Time To Bowl!

How does Abraham Lincoln celebrate his birthday? Bowling with other dead Presidents. This is one of the Fark TV videos I hold closet to my heart... and not because I'm such an awesome bowler. No one in the bowling alley as bothered by dead presidents bowling either. They didn't even give us a second look

0 comments:

Today I'm feeling some love for some cat talk. I found this first video late last night. It's a boy's choir with a straight man ...

Watch Some Videos Meow

Today I'm feeling some love for some cat talk. I found this first video late last night. It's a boy's choir with a straight man and a cat impressionist.



This isn't my first favorite cat video. How can we forget Rap Cat?

0 comments:

Although I had a few chuckles... I didn't feel warm and toasty with our selection of overpriced Television spots on Sunday. But maybe I&...

Super Bowl, Your Commercials Left Me In A Funk

Although I had a few chuckles... I didn't feel warm and toasty with our selection of overpriced Television spots on Sunday. But maybe I'm just bias because this is my favorite commercial of all time.



Although the Walmart Clown commercial might be a close second.

0 comments:

Will you be watching the Superbowl with friends? Are they THIS good of friends? Will Jesus be there? I don't always have a lot of lov...

Superbowl, Friends and Jesus

Will you be watching the Superbowl with friends? Are they THIS good of friends? Will Jesus be there?



I don't always have a lot of love for videos... but this made me tingle.

0 comments:

I love to get my history via Ken Burns. The Civil War, World War II, Baseball, and now... NBC's Late Night Wars. Jimmy Kimmel gives us t...

Ken Burns' The Late Night Wars - Jay Leno Vs. Conan O'Brien

I love to get my history via Ken Burns. The Civil War, World War II, Baseball, and now... NBC's Late Night Wars. Jimmy Kimmel gives us their explanation of what happened... documentary style.

0 comments:

Our short lived show we did for Comedy.com was called the Best Of The Web. This was one of the times it lived up to its name. Porn star Ashl...

The Closest I Will Ever Come To Doing Porn

Our short lived show we did for Comedy.com was called the Best Of The Web. This was one of the times it lived up to its name. Porn star Ashli Orion was a guest of the show and pretty much took it over. She liked it enough she POORLY filmed it and put it on the web.

0 comments: